Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts

It’s funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you’ll do whatever anybody tell you to.

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?"- Ronnie Shakes

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."- Phyllis Diller

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I’d save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I’d go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I’d say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He’d say, "Your pick is gold," and I’d say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

"I’ll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy."No," I said, "the other one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He’s gray," I said, "but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn’t want to look like a jerk, so I said, "Yeah, that’s the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I’ve still got that faucet, and I wouldn’t trade it for any dog in the world.