Deep Thoughts - Jack Handy

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Before a mad scientist goes mad, there’s probably a time when he’s only partially mad. And this is the time when he’s going to throw his best parties.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

One of the bad things about panning for gold is maybe sometimes you’ll get a crawdaddy in your pan, and you start to wonder if you should give up on the gold and just go for crawdaddies. I can’t make that decision for you.