Deep Thoughts- John Handy

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

People need to realize that every time they talk about how "fragile" our planet is, it’s just like asking outer-space aliens to come invade us.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.


It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What’s the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don’t think people should make you feel that way.

If you’re ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he’s dragging the rat trap because it didn’t quite kill him, just tell the people he’s your pet and that’s a trick you taught him.
I’ll never forget my first true love. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From her dark, raven hair to her slender, yellow, scaly feet, she was all woman. She loved corn, and could eat it all day with her hard, yellowish lips. "Caw!" she would yell, as a joke, then flap her arms with delight. One day, she was sitting on a fence, and some guy shot her.

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

One time I don’t think you should listen to your body is when it says "I’m dead."

What am I afraid of? I’ll tell you: a feather. that’s right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That’s an honest question, and I’ll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.

Once I was passing a roadside fruit stand, and I stopped to ask for directions. There was an old grizzled farmer there, with a face that looked like he had seen many things in his life. I asked him which way to go. He paused for a moment, then took out a handkerchief and wiped his brow. I don’t know what he said, because I just peeled out. I don’t have time for guys to pull out handkerchiefs.

Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been.