Handy's Deep Thoughts

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

When I found the wallet in the road, I started wondering about the guy who owned it. Who was he? Was it William Gregory of 2407 Eastwood Lane, like the driver’s license said, or was it someone else? And what was he going to spend the $220 on? About a week later, I started wondering again about the wallet guy. What was he like? And where was he going to spend his five dollars?

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn’t really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye.

When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you’re a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.

I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands

It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

To my way of thinking, there’s nothing that can’t be cured by a big ol’ pot o beans. Except maybe bean fever.

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.