Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
People need to realize that every time they talk about how "fragile" our planet is, it’s just like asking outer-space aliens to come invade us.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of cannibals.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What’s the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don’t think people should make you feel that way.
If you’re ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he’s dragging the rat trap because it didn’t quite kill him, just tell the people he’s your pet and that’s a trick you taught him.
I’ll never forget my first true love. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From her dark, raven hair to her slender, yellow, scaly feet, she was all woman. She loved corn, and could eat it all day with her hard, yellowish lips. "Caw!" she would yell, as a joke, then flap her arms with delight. One day, she was sitting on a fence, and some guy shot her.
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
One time I don’t think you should listen to your body is when it says "I’m dead."
What am I afraid of? I’ll tell you: a feather. that’s right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That’s an honest question, and I’ll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.
Once I was passing a roadside fruit stand, and I stopped to ask for directions. There was an old grizzled farmer there, with a face that looked like he had seen many things in his life. I asked him which way to go. He paused for a moment, then took out a handkerchief and wiped his brow. I don’t know what he said, because I just peeled out. I don’t have time for guys to pull out handkerchiefs.
Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Deep Thoughts-Jack Handy
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When my cousin Billy came and stayed at our house for a week, at first everything seemed okay. But then I started noticing things were missing. The first thing was a bag of garbage we kept under the kitchen sink. Then the piles of ashes and butts in the ashtrays. Then all the weeds in the yard. I never said anything to him, but we never invited him back.
One day Dad asked me to go fishing with him. I got scared. I had the feeling he was going to try to drown me. I don’t know why I thought that, because so far he had never tried to kill me. But he had never taken me fishing either, so I was suspicious. When we got to the lake, he walked right up to it. "Hey, son, come here," he said. "Look at these minnows." "Nice try, Dad - if that’s your real name!" I yelled. Then I ran back to the car and locked myself in. Dad never took me fishing again. So I think that proves my case.
It’s funny how annoyed people get when you carry around a bullhorn all the time, even if you don’t use it that often.
When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I’ll go ask her.
One day a beaver and a termite were walking down the road together. "I can eat through a tree with my teeth," said the beaver. "That’s nothing," said the termite, "I can burrow through a tree." Then they heard a voice behind them. "You two think you’re so smart, but you’re nothing!" It was a bitter old drunk lady.
When my cousin Billy came and stayed at our house for a week, at first everything seemed okay. But then I started noticing things were missing. The first thing was a bag of garbage we kept under the kitchen sink. Then the piles of ashes and butts in the ashtrays. Then all the weeds in the yard. I never said anything to him, but we never invited him back.
One day Dad asked me to go fishing with him. I got scared. I had the feeling he was going to try to drown me. I don’t know why I thought that, because so far he had never tried to kill me. But he had never taken me fishing either, so I was suspicious. When we got to the lake, he walked right up to it. "Hey, son, come here," he said. "Look at these minnows." "Nice try, Dad - if that’s your real name!" I yelled. Then I ran back to the car and locked myself in. Dad never took me fishing again. So I think that proves my case.
It’s funny how annoyed people get when you carry around a bullhorn all the time, even if you don’t use it that often.
When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I’ll go ask her.
One day a beaver and a termite were walking down the road together. "I can eat through a tree with my teeth," said the beaver. "That’s nothing," said the termite, "I can burrow through a tree." Then they heard a voice behind them. "You two think you’re so smart, but you’re nothing!" It was a bitter old drunk lady.
Handy's Deep Thoughts
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
When I found the wallet in the road, I started wondering about the guy who owned it. Who was he? Was it William Gregory of 2407 Eastwood Lane, like the driver’s license said, or was it someone else? And what was he going to spend the $220 on? About a week later, I started wondering again about the wallet guy. What was he like? And where was he going to spend his five dollars?
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn’t really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye.
When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you’re a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands
It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
To my way of thinking, there’s nothing that can’t be cured by a big ol’ pot o beans. Except maybe bean fever.
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
When I found the wallet in the road, I started wondering about the guy who owned it. Who was he? Was it William Gregory of 2407 Eastwood Lane, like the driver’s license said, or was it someone else? And what was he going to spend the $220 on? About a week later, I started wondering again about the wallet guy. What was he like? And where was he going to spend his five dollars?
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn’t really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they’re waving good-bye.
When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you’re a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands
It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
To my way of thinking, there’s nothing that can’t be cured by a big ol’ pot o beans. Except maybe bean fever.
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts
It’s funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you’ll do whatever anybody tell you to.
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?"- Ronnie Shakes
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."- Phyllis Diller
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I’d save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I’d go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I’d say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He’d say, "Your pick is gold," and I’d say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
"I’ll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy."No," I said, "the other one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He’s gray," I said, "but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn’t want to look like a jerk, so I said, "Yeah, that’s the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I’ve still got that faucet, and I wouldn’t trade it for any dog in the world.
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?"- Ronnie Shakes
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."- Phyllis Diller
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I’d save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I’d go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I’d say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He’d say, "Your pick is gold," and I’d say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
"I’ll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy."No," I said, "the other one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He’s gray," I said, "but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn’t want to look like a jerk, so I said, "Yeah, that’s the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I’ve still got that faucet, and I wouldn’t trade it for any dog in the world.
Deep Thoughts - Jack Handy
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Before a mad scientist goes mad, there’s probably a time when he’s only partially mad. And this is the time when he’s going to throw his best parties.
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
One of the bad things about panning for gold is maybe sometimes you’ll get a crawdaddy in your pan, and you start to wonder if you should give up on the gold and just go for crawdaddies. I can’t make that decision for you.
Before a mad scientist goes mad, there’s probably a time when he’s only partially mad. And this is the time when he’s going to throw his best parties.
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
One of the bad things about panning for gold is maybe sometimes you’ll get a crawdaddy in your pan, and you start to wonder if you should give up on the gold and just go for crawdaddies. I can’t make that decision for you.
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